Crack Pairings
by Lady-L-Leafdawn
Summary: My friend and I have been using the crack-pairing generator on the condition that we must each write a one-shot for every crack pairing we make. Sometimes hilarity comes of it, sometimes not.
1. Vampire or Pansy?

The first thing Edward noticed was the intense silence in the room. It hadn't been this quiet when he had visited the library last week, even with no one in the room. He stared at the middle-aged man arranging books on the table in front of him.

"It's quiet in here"

"That's because this is a library." The man answered, not looking up from his work.

"No, I mean, I can't hear your thoughts anymore," Edward realized with shock. "Why can't I hear your thoughts anymore? What's going on? Am I dying? I must be dying as payment for my sins! And I deserve it, don't I? I'm a monster!" He wailed.

"Do you mind? I just said this is a library, please keep the self-pity to a reasonable volume." He sighed, "as for why you can't hear my thoughts, we had an… unfortunate incident a few days ago with mind readers. I managed to dig this charm out of storage yesterday and decided to keep it on me incase she had a relapse."

"She?"

Mr. Giles looked up, "That's not your concern. You're here to find out more about your condition, Mr. Cullen. The problem is, I'm afraid I don't have an answer for you. The closest thing I find that resembles your condition is an old magic that was presumably lost over two thousand years ago. A being made out of stone or mud, known as a golem."

"Is that what I am?" Edward stepped forward, trying to see the book that now lay open on the table. "That must be what I am!"

"It doesn't seem likely," Mr. Giles replied, "these being were often created as servants to their sorcerers and had runes carved into their foreheads, which we can see is not the case for you. Furthermore, they were generally mute and not very intelligent, and these tantrums about your soul and whatever else you've been crying over indicate that the first is, well, not applicable."

Edward gazed at the face of the librarian, so intently studying the book, searching for something he might have missed. _What could he be thinking?_ He wondered, strangely drawn to this man who knew enough of magic that he could block out a vampire's gift. Or wait, no, not a vampire, he was something else. "What about the blood?" he asked "If I'm not a vampire, why must I drink blood?"

"Well, vampires aren't the only things that require blood for sustinence." The other man explained "It's a metaphorical draining of life," he sighed "you'd be surprised how much the occult seems to rely on metaphor alone."

"So, it is true," Edward said, his voice trembling, "I am a monster. WHHHHHYYYYYYYY!"

"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST FIFTEEN TIMES? WE'RE IN A BLOODY LIBRARY!" Mr. Giles cleared his throat, sheepishly, as the two students doing "research" peeked down from the balcony above to see what was going on. He continued in a much lower voice. "Look, you say you're a monster, but you only drink from animals, how many people have you actually succeeded in killing?"

"Well, I killed a bunch of criminals before I went 'vegetarian'" He looked over at Giles who had a confused look on his face. _That quizzical expression… why does it seem so strange all of a sudden, so different… so handsome?_

Giles sighed and shook his head, "I'm not sure what to tell you. Sure, the killing may be bad, but you were actually protecting people, weren't you? Honestly, you're far from the soulless monsters I've seen around. Those creeps would give you nightmares."

Edward bristled, "I could handle them."

"Oh, yes, of course," he smiled, grimly, "you could handle the creatures that take delight in every kill, drawing it out, playing games with their victims, waiting until they're begging to die and then…"

A shiver ran down Edward's spine and he was almost glad he couldn't hear this man's thoughts. "Well, you seem to handle them pretty well. I didn't notice any mental instability last time I was here." He leaned in closer, lips first, trying to make his voice breathy and seductive, "When I could tell what you wanted just by being near you…"

"What are you-? No, out of my library." Giles got up and walked swiftly to the door. He opened it and pointed, "There's your exit, I don't have any information for you."

"But I can't read your mind," Edward explained as he walked to the door, "How do I know if you really want me to leave? What if you feel the same?"

"I can assure you right now that I don't."

"I'm closer to your age than any of these kids you hang out with! And five times as handsome."

"How old do you think I am? Don't answer that, just get out of here."

Edward sighed and walked through the door. "So, I'll stop by next week to see if you've made any more progress?" The door slammed in his face. "Yea, one'o'clock works great for me, too!"


	2. Part of What World?

Part of What World?

Starring: Ariel (The Little Mermaid) and Minion (Megamind)

Staring up at the enormously tall buildings around her, Ariel was amazed once again by her situation. She never would have thought that she would be able to see the human world so close, all around her, filled with its wonderful differences and similarities. She never would have thought that it would be possible for her to do all this with a tailfin instead of legs, but this marvelous chair with wheels was proving her wrong in the most incredible way possible.

What was most ridiculous, though, was the fact that the one who had helped her achieve this dream was a fish out of water, himself.

Ariel looked back over her shoulder; Minion was there in his robot suit, pointing out strange human phenomenon for her to see.

"And that is where humans go when they wish to have the hair removed from their legs by a professional," he said, pointing across the street where a poster advertised "full body waxing."

"Do humans have to do that often?" She asked, slightly put off.

"Mostly just the females," he admitted, "Miss Ritchi has told me about it many times during our 'girl time' together." Ariel bit her lip at the mention of this woman Minion kept referring to, and rather fondly, at that. "It's tough to be a human female."

"Well, I'm glad the sea witch's spell backfired," she said, "I'd rather be here and still a mermaid than have to deal with removing hair on my legs. I mean, I would never try to remove the scales on my fins, it just seems painful and stupid."

"Most of the things humans do are like that." Ariel giggled. Minion could have a lovely sense of humor when he wanted.

This was weird. She had gone to Ursula in the first place because she had fallen in love with Eric: a human: a prince: handsome, sought-after and unattainable. Now that she was here in Metro City, wherever the hell "Metro City" was, she was falling for the one who had saved her from the toxic fresh waters of the lake she had ended up in. She was falling for Minion: a fish: a loyal servant and subordinate to the local villain turned hero, Megamind: adorable, the last of his kind and yet equally unattainable.

"Miss Ariel? Are you alright?"

Ariel started, realizing that she'd been drifting off into the daydream where Minion confesses his love for her. "Oh, I'm fine," she glanced around the street and spotted a street vendor half a block away. "Oh, street food!" She gasped and took off in the direction of the food, "Last one there has to buy!"

"Not fair!" he yelled after her, laughing, "I'm paying for it anyways unless you have some money I don't know about!"

She grinned and leaned forward in her seat, her arms propelling the wheelchair faster down the street. _Of course you're paying,_ she thought, _you can at least let me imagine that this is a date._


	3. Ripping Holes in Reality

Ripping Holes in Reality Inevitably Leads to Romance

Starring: Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler (X-Men) and Chell (Portal, Portal 2)

The first time he saw her, she was unconscious. A damsel in distress stuck in a decrepit secret lab that was set to explode in less than five minutes. Was she a test subject, a scientist, or maybe just hiding out in the abandoned building because she didn't have anywhere else to go? Anyway, Kurt wasn't about to let her be crushed to death, besides, the mission objective was to gain information about the secret Aperture Science laboratories, maybe this woman would know more about it.

_Nightcrawler, where are you?_ Jean's voice echoed in his head. _You better come back. The self-destruct in this place is counting down quickly and it's impossible to shut off._

_There's someone down here_, he thought, knowing that she'd be able to hear him. _I'm bringing her up, too._ He leaned the girl up against his side, carefully placing her head on his shoulder.

"Sorry, Fraulein, this is going to be rough, teleporting always is for the untrained."

She lay on the bed in the medical wing with sensors attached to her chest and head saying that she was, for the most part, undamaged. He peeked in on her for the fourteenth time that day, professor Xavier was sitting at her side.

"You know, Kurt, if you really want to know when the girl wakes up, I can just contact you mentally," he said, staring intently at the mechanical contraption fastened tightly to the patient's arm.

"Uh, thank you, Professor," he answered, "but if it's alright, I think I'll keep stopping by." _It's the gentlemanly thing to do,_ he added in his mind. Xavier smiled at him.

"Alright then, you may stay if you wish."

"Fraulein, are you all right?" Kurt asked. She continued to stare at him with tired and confused eyes. Somehow, she had found the orange jumpsuit and metal leg braces she had been wearing in the laboratory. Her dark brown hair was pulled back into a low ponytail but it was ragged and messy. She brandished the mechanical arm attachment at the strange blue man blocking her path. "You've been unconscious for at least three days, probably more, you shouldn't be out of the medical wing." He paused but either the girl didn't understand him or didn't care about what he had said. "It's Chell, right? That's the name we found on the I.D. card in your pocket. Can you talk, Chell?"

She paused, as if considering his question and then jumped.

Kurt was a little confused. "What's wrong? Why did you jump?"

She jumped again. Kurt sighed, "Never mind, let's just get you back to the medical wing, ok?" He extended his hand towards her. She rolled her eyes and pointed her mechanical arm above his head. It emitted a flash of blue light and she quickly turned to shoot a bolt of orange light on the wall. A circle of orange appeared on the smooth white surface. Chell smiled at him and disappeared into it.

A small "thud" and the squeaking of springs behind him stopped Kurt from immediately jumping through the new hole in the wall. He whirled around to see Chell halfway down the hall and standing under a blue hole in the ceiling. She waved and took off running.

Kurt looked at the portal and stuck his hand through it. Over three yards away from him a blue two-fingered hand appeared from the hole in the ceiling. He put two and two together and grinned to himself. This was going to be interesting.

"I'm sorry, Fraulein, but I'm not that easy to get rid of! Two can play the teleportation game!"


End file.
